amysee's blog

so a year has passed in korea (technically 9 months, but who’s counting) and so its time for my yearly look back and conclusion post. or.. something like that.

currently, i’m sitting at my desk at work with nothing to do, but a ton of work waiting for me at home. i need to clear out my refrigerator, vaccuum and mop my floors, clean my bathrooms, organize my kitchen, prepare my passport and other things to fly, and oh yeah, i also need to pack T_T i’m not sure what exactly i did this weekend, since obviously, i did not spend it wisely. i do know, however, that i caught a throat cold. and that i’m incredibly sleepy.

our water cooler is out of water and so i can’t drink any coffee. what a travesty.

so a year has passed in korea.

and i’m still alive.

still alive and kicking, with a few bucks to bang.

i think i’ll use this post as a yearbook, to reminisce on the many people who have helped me through this year. i miss yearbooks. i remember signing them with the obligatory HAG (Have a great summer!) and KIT (keep in touch!!), but now that i’m old and wrinkly, those two phrases have started to really feel important to me. i said goodbye to a coworker a few months ago and in my last text message to her, i said “have a great rest of the year and keep in touch. really.” and i realized as i sent that, that i really did mean it. she deserved to have a good restful year, because she’s been through alot at work and also just trying to figure out her future. and i really did want to keep in touch, because i was curious to know how she’ll end up.

but alas.. she hasn’t kept in touch. hahahah

so— here goes the yearbook. i know no one reads this blog anymore (not even my loyal reader seester) and honestly, i don’t really care haha. this is just as a reminder to myself later on about how blessed i had been this year in korea, as i started out on a new chapter in my life. about how without these people, i probably wouldn’t have been able to get through.

in no particular order….. and as un-specific as possible to maintain an air of mystery…

to my tall supermodel for listening to me complain and whine and then later show off and brag about my new life as a teacher. i know you probably still dont understand my reasons for wanting to stay another year but i’m grateful that you trusted me and my decision. thanks for always listening to me and for always keeping me updated on the kpop news lol

to my gorilla man for being cute. and reminding me that i am rich.

to my warrior born in the spring, i’m sorry that i am needy and clingy and always making you feel guilty for not checking up on me 24/7. but its really because i like you that much ^^ and i really do appreciate the little things that you do for me, like leaving me random messages on my desk and taking me home after i’m sweaty and tired from racquetball.

to the dark-skinned warrior, new zealand lion, pale animal lover, girly princess, unending forehead and forever fan, thank you for giving me confidence that i am not an utterly complete failure as a teacher. your hard work and willingness to learn more has inspired me.

to the powerful and fearless leader, to be honest, at first, i was a bit close-minded and close-hearted to you, because we were on different floors and i never realized just how much work you really do. and i judged you because i didn’t really know you personally but i just heard from other people about how you were. it was wrong of me. but after we became neighbors, i’ve realized that you really do mean well, and you always take care of me, whether its to bring me breakfast in the morning or give me a ride home, or doing a full class on days that i’m sick and not feeling well. thank you.

to the power master, although your blatant and blunt tongue still surprises me at times, inside, you always have a heart to help me and its something that i’m always grateful for. we did lots of one-on-one dating this semester and hopefully we’ll have more to come in the coming year. thanks for hanging out with me during those times when i was lonely after my parents left. i think i really am a good boyfriend. especially considering i waited an hour for you to do your nails.

to the sad puppy from cambodia, you are cute haha. sorry for always saying that you are from cambodia- but really, cambodian people are beautiful people. inside and out. thanks for sending me funny text messages randomly and for playing with me on days when i felt depressed. i think i am a good boyfriend to you too. especially since i give you allowance money and buy you expensive gifts. but its really all a token of my appreciation. thanks for always being .. you and always cheering me up when i wasn’t feeling chirpy.

to the grumpy grumpster neighbor, i’ve come to associate korea with you and when you were deciding whether to go back to america or stay another year, i was hoenstly a bit nervous, thinking about spending a year in korea without having a grumpsters nearby. you are a strong person and an admirable teacher and i will miss having you around the office. but i will definitely not miss your loud squawking saxophone. i wish you good luck in the future, especially with your abominable roommate. you are definitelyyy strong for dealing with that for so long.

okay so this has taken me longer than i thought so i’m gonna stop here.

D-1 TILL AMERICA!

yayyyy ^____________^

its exam time in the middle school and so we’re getting out of school around noon, thereby leaving me with alot of free time to think and do nothing.  i like

so i was reading through some of my older wordpress entries, and if i may say so myself, they were pretty darn good. there was alot of personal diary-entry-like posts and then there were some funny comical posts and then there were some deep thought-provoking posts.

but these days, or actually more like months, i can’t seem to get around to making a good post on this wordpress. i read a comment that ken put on my wordpress back around april, when i used to update this blog nearly every day. ken wrote “i know what’s going on when you start to update less”, meaning that if something is going wrong in your life, then you start to retreat into yourself and you don’t share what’s going on with anyone. and actually, at that time, that was true. i (privately) had alot of trouble adjusting to korea and to school, but i felt uncomfortable sharing those on this blog and i felt even more uncomfortable sharing those in real life, with those in korea with me, because those around me seemed to be going through more serious problems and i didn’t want to burden them any further with my own issues. and so, i retreated into myself, and kind of just repressed the issues, and eventually, got over them on my own.

but, that’s not really the case right now. i’m not particularly having any large issues or problems with my life in korea. i’m actually pretty content with it. i’m busy, yeah, but when am i not? i just can’t find the time to organize my thoughts and make a coherent post. and since i’m a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to writing, if i can’t make a good post, then i’d rather not post at all.

hmm.. what should i talk about.

i think this past year in korea has taught me alot. one day, i want to sit and really just write a good post explaining my reasons behind why i decided to stay for another year. i know alot of people were waiting for that, and i know that alot of people (perhaps all of them) were wanting me to come back to america after a year. and i feel like i owe it to those people to explain why i ‘disappointed’ them and decided to stay again.

maybe one day, i’ll make that post.

or maybe i won’t.

but i do want people to know that i really truly did make that decision after alot of deliberating and thinking and praying. i really did. i talked to alot of people and i heard from many different opinions and i kept pushing back telling my decision to the principal so many times that i actually started to feel a bit bad that it was taking me so long to decide. but once i finally made my decision, i felt at peace with it. i knew that it was the right decision. and i prayed on that decision for another several days before i finalized it to the principal. it was a long decision-making process. it wasn’t one that i took lightly.

therefore, i’ll be lying if i said that it didn’t hurt my feelings a bit when i finally publicized that decision and some people responded by saying “uh wtf” or “um.” or “rofl weak”. i then felt like i had to justify my decision and explain myself to everyone about why i decided to stay, when it was my life, it was my decision, and it was my choice. i cannot please everyone. i just want everyone to understand that i know what i am doing. i am sure of my decision.

recent developments as of late has shook my confidence a bit in staying another year at the middle school, but it hasnt shook my decision. i know that it’ll be harder now, and it’ll be a bit lonelier, but if this year in korea has taught me anything, it’s that i am not really alone. there are many people here who can and are willing to help me. if i just reach out. most of the times, i choose to remain independent and do things by myself, because i just feel more comfortable that way, but if i ever needed help, there are many people here who are willing to lend a hand. and that’s not even counting my family.

looking back at this year has really shown me that God places people in my life for a reason, at specific times, with a purpose.

the past 10 months in korea.. i’ve noticed that i roam around my life aimlessly many times, bumping into things, falling off the road, wandering off by myself, but the conclusion always comes back to the reality that things are happening for a reason, there can be a purpose for everything, if i just choose to look at things with an open mind.

reminds me of a christmas present i got from michelle ro when i first moved to nc. its so ‘michelle-like’. i need to remember to bring it to korea with me this winter when i go back. it was a little picture frame that said in the midde

“Everything happens for a reason. Just believe.”

but the fire is so delightful!

the fire underneath my floors.. my boiler, that is.

my boiler that’s keeping my house warm

yayy its december, which means, its christmas time!

i don’t think i’ve ever appreciated christmas as much as i do this year. i think its because of two factors:

1) i actually have money to spend this year on presents. i’ve already started buying things online and shipping them to my house. i finally paid off my massive credit card debt and so… i’m starting anew from $0 and gonna build up from there ^^ i’m gonna keep myself in check though and not go too all out with the money, but really, i feel like i’ve been apart from my family and friends for so long that i want to buy them presents and let them know that i appreciate them.

2) korea has like.. no christmas spirit. i was watching ELF in one of my classes, and remember how santa’s sleigh can’t fly without christmas spirit? well santa would straight up crash and burn in korea because there is NO christmas spirit here. christmas is just a day to spend with your boyfriend/girlfriend, and even then, you don’t exchange gifts or go carolling or drink eggnog or anything like that. seriously, what a huge travesty. i am SOOO glad that i finally mustered up the balls to ask for permission from the principal (who was surprisingly understanding) to go home early and miss a couple days of classes so i could spend christmas at home with my family. like people here are AMAZED that we exchange gifts on christmas. they’re like “omg.. you really go christmas shopping? i thought that was just in movies.” … no joke. and not just the shopping christmas spirit, but just the spirit of spending time with your family and decorating your house together and staying up all night on christmas eve watching the same christmas movies on ABC Family.. that’s what christmas is about. i miss that in korea. the shinsegae department store has awesome christmas decorations though.. i’ll give em that

so anyways.. i finally figured out how to use the citi card virtual card generator thingy so i’ve spent about $200 in the past ten minutes as i’ve racketed up my christmas purchases.

saint nicholas would be proud!

today, i received a massive supply of EGGO waffles.

massive as in a costco supply-worth.

i am literally shaking with excitement, thinking of tomorrow’s breakfast.

i have it all figured out.

one glass of 감귤 juice, one glass of milk, 2 eggs sunny side up, 2 waffles with yogurt, and an apple to finish it off.

ahhhh yayyy~~~~

i live for these moments. these small little moments of happiness.

all of the kids that i taught in my after school class were rejected from their 외고

i feel like i’ve failed them.

i’ve been pushing them so hard and yet they weren’t able to get into their schools.

but today, one of the students i taught came to me and said “teacher, thank you for all the help you’ve given to us. even though i didn’t get into my high school, the things that you’ve taught us is something that i will use many times in the future and i know that you’ve given alot for our class so i just wanted to say thank you. i appreciate it “

sometimes, teaching is worth it for these moments. when you realize that you are learning, you are growing from watching your students.

after approximately 272 days of teaching in korea… i succeeded this thursday in making a student cry in my class.

now, before you judge me, let me tell my story.

on tuesdays and thursdays, i teach an after school class for 9th graders. its my personal favorite of all the classes that i teach, because its a writing class thats geared solely towards the top students in that grade. of the top 10 students in the entire 9th grade, 7 of them are in my class. all of the students in that class are either going to america next year or are applying to the top 외고s in korea, so they are a group of very bright, motivated, and fun kids. its the class that i am most excited about, prepare the hardest for, and look forward the most for.

despite none of them being fluent in english, and only 2 of them having had studied abroad for a short period of time, their english writing is not that bad. actually, compared to the average korean student that goes to public school, their english is considered to be very advanced. granted, they still have the normal grammatical and syntax mistakes in their writing, but their thinking is very mature and they work hard. we actually had a long discussion about abortion (a taboo subject in korea) after one of the students suggested it as one of their writing topics for homework. it’s a fun class.

on thursday, we did an exercise where i would give them eight minutes to write about a simple writing topic that i would put on the board. i told them its up to them how they allocate their time, but i suggested 3 minutes for thinking (i’ve found that although its easy for them to think of an answer in korean, it takes them a long time to express that in english), 4 minutes of writing and 1 minute of looking over their sentences to edit any grammatical mistakes.

one of the writing topics that i gave to them was “What is the animal that best represents you?” i wrote it on the board, turned on the timer, and they started writing. they all thought long and hard for about 3 minutes and they all started frantically writing, with the occasional gasp or sigh as they look at the remaining time.

all of them except a girl named 우태정, or jackie.

태정 is one of my favorite students in the school. she just transferred to our school last semester, after having studied in new zealand for a few years. although its usually extremely hard to adjust and make friends at our school especially, 태정, with her outgoing and fun personality, was able to fit in and make friends very quickly. she became the sole female singer in the 9th grade praise team, and in may, she won first place in the school-wide speech contest over about 15 other teams, many of whom had lived abroad much longer than she had. she’s in the 률 반, which is also known as the loudest, most rambunctious class in the ninth grade. whenever i go to their class, its a complete ruckus, with most of them choosing to outright ignore my presence when i stand in front of the class, waiting for their attention. 태정, however, always quiets them down for me, telling them “애들아.. 조용하자. 선생님이 들어오셨다.” with her loud voice, the students always calm down and pay attention. before the summer break, during parent teacher conferences, i found out that all of her friends decided to go play to 제주도 and other vacation spots. when her mom suggested she go as well, 태정 refused. she wanted to go to nicaragua for a mission trip with her church. and she did. and she also got swine flu from that trip lol she also has an awesome new zealand accent. i always make her read out loud in my class haha.

so she’s a good kid, with a good head on her shoulders.

but the problem with 태정 is that she just can not write. she speaks fairly fluently and she’s told me that when i talk to her in english, she understands in directly in english, rather than having to translate it into korean in her head. therefore, it should be easy for her to write in english. she has an immense advantage over all the other students. but she just can not write. and the reason she cannot write is because she simply just thinks too much. when i look over her writing, half of it is marked out or crossed off and written over. she has too much going on in her head and its hard for her to focus and concentrate on one writing topic. she’s a bright student but she just cannot focus. if i give a writing assignment, other students fill out a paragraph easily, but 태정’s is always scatterbrained and all over the place, talking about something off on a tangent. she has a very creative head. i asked once who is the person you admire the most, and most students said jesus, or my mom, or 김연아 ㅋ but 태정 wrote abraham lincoln lol. in america that might be normal, but korea, seriously, 90% of people don’t even know who he is. but 태정 wrote about lincoln, about his determination and perseverance. it was long and rambling but it was one of my favorites.

after eight minutes was up, i took up their papers and using the fancy camera apparatus thingy, i went over their writing in front of them, with my writing coming out on the big tv for them to see. i picked 태정’s first, and immediately i recognized the familiar numerous scratched off, marked off writing of her’s. she wrote about a paragraph, blacked out about 5 sentences and ended up with just two sentences, rambling about how her friends say she looks like a bear but her personality isn’t a bear but she likes ducks and something else i couldn’t understand. i looked over at the other students and they had written around 7 to 12 sentences. 태정 had two.

she could have done better. much much better. i was incredibly disappointed.

suddenly, something came over me, and in a flamboyantly excessive show of teacher authority that i kind of regret now in retrospect, i took my red pen and in front of the entire class that was watching, i drew a huge X over her entire page and tossed it back onto her desk.

“This is not good. This is not what I want. I don’t want this.”

태정’s face was shocked. the other students gasped. i heard one boy say to his friend in a low voice “그거 좀 너무 심했다”.

태정 stammered “W-Why? W-what?”

“Do it over. Do it over right now while I go over the other students’. You can do so much better than this. I don’t want this. Do it again.”

My facial expression, i imagine, was quite scary, because i was so disappointed that 태정 had only come up with those two sentences when i KNEW that she could’ve done so much better, had she spent the 8 minutes i gave her focusing and putting her mind to concentrate on the topic at hand. but she had again spent it zoning out and writing some random gibberish that i didn’t want.

the other students’ work, however, was good. they were very typical- “i’m like a puppy because i am happy” or “i am a lion because i am strong.”

i went over the other students’ work, but the whole time, i was keeping an eye on 태정. i was seriously regretting marking out her writing in such an outrageously mean and condescending manner and i felt bad that i had embarrassed her so directly in front of her peers, and i was scared that i had seriously hurt her feelings. i couldn’t focus that well on the other students and the other students as well became a bit tense as i went over their work. i kept looking over to her, afraid that she was crying or about to.

태정, however, did not cry. 어금니 꽉 깨물고, she had a determined look on her face as she started writing her paragraph over.

the class came to an end, and before i let the students leave, i went back to 태정 and picked up her paper to read it in front of the class. refusing to let go of my “stern teacher” appearance, i gave her a terse nod before i started to read her writing to myself first. 태정’s expression was tense, anxious, unconfident.

i knew that i had embarrassed her. i knew that i shouldn’t have done that. and so i anticipated that she was probably shaken and not able to focus again.

however, as i read her writing, i slowly got goosebumps. i actually felt them spread over my entire arm. i couldn’t breathe, my breath stuck in my dry throat.

her writing was so good.

it was the best i’ve ever read in that class so far.

she wrote how the ‘ugly duckling’ best represented her. not even its mother believed in it, and no one expected anything from it. but it believed in itself, worked hard, and became something great. likewise, right now, she is going through alot of hard times, but she believes that she can overcome and surpass these difficulties and in the end, she will accomplish her dreams.

it was so good.

in that brief 10 seconds as i was reading, most likely feeling like an eternity to 태정, i completely lost my “stern teacher” facade.

i was so proud. so proud.

after i finished reading, i looked incredulously at 태정.

“태정.. what do you think i’m going to say about this?”

she looked confused. “i don’t know.. its not good?”

“no. not at all,” i said breathlessly, “태정.. this is so good. this is the best you have ever written. this is the best one out of the entire class.”

i held her paper up.

“this is why i’m so hard on you. this is why i push you so much. if you just focus just a little bit, you can write amazingly. i actually got goosebumps as i read this. you are a good writer, 태정. believe in that.”

the other students smiled and let go of their breath that they had probably been holding. they all knew, just as much as me, of how talented and gifted 태정 is. they all said to 태정 as they left the classroom..

“see 태정, you’re good! 그렇게 하면 되잖아”

“잘했어”

“역시 태정이야”

now only us two in the classroom, i still was holding her paper. i leaned down and exclaimed over the powerful sentences that she had chosen, the sentences that made me catch my breath.

“태정.. seriously, i’m so proud of you. this is you. you can write like this. 그냥 focus만 하면, 넌 정말로 잘 할수있어. just believe in yourself. you can do it.”

finally, 태정 spoke.

“아~~선생니이이임~”

her voice was shaky.

she looked up at me, and then i realized her eyes were full of tears.

the 10 minutes of tense repressed emotions that she was going through as she rewrote her paragraph came tumbling out in one rush of relief.

“진짜요? 괜찮아요?”

“태정. believe me, this is amazing. you can write like this. this is your writing. you can do it. this is why i push you so much. 넌 이 만큼 할수있어서 선생님이 더 심하게 하는거야. really. you can do it.”

she lowered her head to hide her tears, but i noticed them.

i was so 당황했어. i didn’t know how to comfort her. but i was so proud of her.

i put my hand on her shoulder and said “태정..넌 정말 잘 할수있어. 난 널 믿어. really.”

she let go a shaky laugh as she packed up her bags.

still hiding her face, she muttered a “안녕히계세요, 샘. 감사합니다” as she left.

i cleaned up and left, still a bit taken aback by 태정’s tears.

the next day, one of her friends 은샘 came into the teacher’s office, as she always does. she went around and said a few greetings to the other teachers and then she stopped by my desk. she laughed and said “샘, 태정이가 어제 울었다면서요”

“yeah.. she did..”

“샘 그때 정말 많이 당황했었죠?”

i let go of a small smile and i said “yeah.. i was”

은샘 laughed and said “태정이가 선생님 너무 좋대요 하하하하 샘 진짜 좋아한다 히히히” as she skipped off.

i stared at her as she left.

i had 태정’s class in the afternoon that day.

as i came in, her class was rambunctious as ever, with one group of girls wrestling in a headlock in the corner and another sitting on top of each other, giggling at the top of their lungs. my eyes skimmed the room for 태정, but i couldn’t find her because there were too many girls running around.

suddenly, from one corner of the room came a familiar voice.

“애들아. 앉자. 선생님이 왔어. 조용하자. 수업해야지”

my eyes sped over to where i heard the voice.

there was 태정, sitting in the corner, with her writing journal for my after school class out on her desk, pencil in hand.

i gave her a half smile and a nod.

she looked back at me and smiled.

all’s well.

i just got done with 2 hours of hardcore racquetball.

and now i think im about to die.

our school has this indoor racquetball court and ever since i took a summer course on racquetball a year ago at unc, i’ve been wanting to play it but haven’t had the chance to. when i saw that our school had a court, i immediately wanted to play, but i had no one to play with.

enter kelly, aka the chinese language korean teacher (or.. the korean teacher who teaches chinese), aka warrior.

i taught her the basic rules in about 10 minutes and ever since then, we’ve been playing it for short periods at a time, during lunch break for 15 minutes, or during our free periods, but we’ve never played it, dressed in our gym clothes, hardcore-style.

so today, after we received the amazing fantastic super blessing from God, also known as another 휴업 where we get a break from school cus of swine flu outbreak, we changed into our gym clothes and played it.

kelly is like incredibly loud when she plays. she screams and yelps and guffaws as she thunders after the ball. playing with someone like that is very refreshing, because i soon found myself howling and screeching along with her.

we soon amassed a small audience outside our glass court, as the special needs students and their helpers decided to sit and watch us. the special needs students especially liked us, and they were clapping and laughing at us lol

once we warmed up and started a match, however, the mood quickly shifted. a glint in our eyes appeared and we clenched our rackets a bit tighter. the first game, i won 21-18, after a fierce comeback from 0-9. we took a short break after the first game to pass out on the court. the second game, i kept messing up on returning kelly’s power serve and i ended up losing 21-19.

at one point, kelly hit a low shot to the corner and i barely returned it, hitting a high lop-sided shot off the ceiling. it bounced and came barreling straight at me, and so i shrieked and ran backwards. kelly, however, was thundering straight towards me and we had a huge collision where we slammed straight into each other. i actually felt my brain joggle in my skull and i literally saw stars. i thought my contacts were messing up. i had a lingering headache but i refused to stop playing, although i should have since i ended up losing anyways lol

anyways, it was really fun to play and have some exercise. it was the first time i did so since i came to korea. we’re gonna make this a regular thing and play several times a week after school. i’m excited.

now im back at home, with a headache, and sore limbs, wishing i had a bathtub to soak in.

but i’m happy

i realized that i had started to treat this wordpress as if it was some vehicle for me to express only important announcements and information about my life.

but that’s not why i had started this blog. i started this blog as a diary for me to just talk about random things that had happened during my day, regardless of whether it was interesting or significant or not.

somewhere along the way, i stopped viewing it as such.

so i will go back to diary mode.

today, i had to go to school by 7AM for the staff worship. honestly, i don’t think even GOD is awake at that ungodly hour. moreover, it was raining and thunderin’ and lighteningin’ and just overall.. the PERFECT weather to sleep in.

therefore, i went to school with no eye makeup on, with no contacts on, with my hair all frazzed out like i had been electrocuted. the hair, haha, i can explain, because i was straightening my hair while i was still in a 비몽사몽 state of mind so it really looked like it had been electrocuted. the teachers said i looked like i was ready for a goth fashion show with my hair. plus, i was wearing this long black sweater so i guess i looked marilyn manson-y.

but i also had on my glasses, bc my contacts are like 2 years old and they kinda dry my eyes out. and i didnt feel like putting on eye makeup, but hey with my 쌍커플 that ive recently developed, due to losing about 10+ lbs of weight- visible mostly in my face, i thought kids wouldnt really notice.

nope, i was wrong.

all day, students asked me if my boyfriend had dumped me and i had cried myself to sleep. thus, i came to school with my swollen eyes. another student asked me of my 쌍커플 수술 had come undone and my eyes were bloated.yet another one asked me if i drank too much last night and couldnt properly put on makeup today.

oh, these kids.

one day..

im gonna kick them in their face.

the decision has been made.

now to pray about it for the next few days.

no.. i still have not made up my mind on whether i should stay for another year in korea.

i’m taking advantage of the long holiday weekend, and running away to the East Sea (동해 바다) and Sulak Mountain (설악산) until Tuesday.

i’m hoping God will pull a Moses on me and speak to me in the mountains, or perhaps while parting the oceans.

if not, looks like there’s going to be some hardcore hand-wranglin, brain-bogglin, soul-searchin, heart-contemplatin (yes, i left out all the g’s on purpose to make it seem more genuine) in the next couple days as i try to make my decision.

what’s clear is that there are advantages and disadvantages to both sides. is there always ONE right decision? i’m not sure. its cliche, but it seems like my mind is telling me one thing while my heart’s telling me another. until i can come to peace with both my mind and my heart, i don’t think i can make a firm decision.

i’ll have to decide, yes. i’ll have to decide some time in the very near future.

but it’s going to be a hard one.